Startling statistics released today from the Bureau of Probable Statistics (BPS) reveal that Climate Change Policy in Australia is a total scam and no one need take it seriously. Edgar Pollfluff completed a ten minute study in the Australian City of Melbourne and returned to the bureau with some sobering statistics:
“Sixty five percent of Melbourne restaurants have between one and five outdoor LPG heaters and forty five percent of Melbourne households have between one and two outdoor heaters. Although the BPS is wary of ABS figures on this occasion we agree there are at least 16000 restaurants and cafes in Australia, meaning that in excess of 50,000 LPG heaters are employed to heat the outside environment”
Asked about the number of Australian residents heating the outdoor environment, Edgar was quick to respond:
“In the domestic sector of Australia between 150,000 and 200,000 outdoor heaters are in use in residential situations in Australia, probably.”
Questioned on the implications of these figures for Climate Change Policy and the credibility of Kevin Rudd, Peter Garrett and Ross Garnaut, Edgar was typically guarded:
The BPS is an independent bureau that reports probable facts and statistics, for us to make comment on the stupidity and duplicity of Australian politicians is not part of our function. The public can read into these statistics what they will, we make our research available to government and academia and even right wing think tanks are taking our research more or less seriously.
Asking why the Australians public and business owners would be so stupid as to think they can heat the great outdoors, Edgar had this to say:
We honestly dont know, but a BPS study completed yesterday suggests one in three Australians believe what politicians tell them and one in three also believe that burning LPG is greenhouse friendly. This correlates with another of our longitudinal studies that proves that probably about fifty percent of Australians watch too much television and have become fat and lazy dumb arses. While our data collection techniques differ from government ABS, we believe we reach much the same conclusions faster with minimal expense.
Rosettamoon approached Australian Environment Minister Peter Garrett in Canberra, while he was ironically wining under an outdoor heater at an exclusive ACT bar. Quizzed on whether it was wise to attempt to heat on masse outdoor areas using propane and butane gas the honorable Minister became agitated, stood up to leave and banged his head on a scolding hot LPG burner. He hastily left the establishment muttering something which amazingly sounded like…“How can I think when my head is burning?!”
Buy an Outdoor Heater (Patio Heater):
Gosh! If you have concerns about the Bureau of Probable Statistics, you can now consult the ‘experts’:
Wasteful outdoor heaters leave the experts cold – The Age, August 11, 2009