Why the Crows Were Always Going to Lose to the Tigers

Adelaide is inflicted by small town syndrome and always has been. This force has seen South Australia seek attention and fame to its own embarrassment and to the amusement of Australian Cities, particularly Melbourne. According to Bureau of Probable Statistics psychologist Dr Maryke Markels, the loss of the Grand Prix event has left a scar upon the psyche of South Australia which has been reflected in the states politics for well over two decades.

RM: Maryke, what is the origins of this syndrome and is there a cure for it?

Maryke: South Australia branded itself differently to the other colonies from the outset. It was the ‘convict free’ colony and the founders turned up their noses to the the other colonies. Of course, South Australia was conceived and designed by a felon, Edward Gibbon Wakefield. Hence was born a psychotic rift of self denial which has never been treated.

RM: How does this relate to the dramatic defeat of the Crows by the underdog Tigers?

Maryke: Deep within the subconscious minds of the players lurks the knowledge of this rift in the time space continuum. Therefore the attempts to compensate are falsely driven and hence prone to backfire as in the case of this public spectacle.

RM: Interesting? Would this also explain the Big Battery plan and the space program madness – the Premiers desire to saddle up alongside Elon Musk?

Maryke: Exactly, the Premiers will continue to seek to over compensate by spending large sums of money on impressive projects in a vain bid to win approval from the Cities of Australia. The town of Adelaide wants also to be seen as a City and therefore will spend large sums of money on foolish projects. The Desalination Plant, now mothballed is another example of this. You will see larger than necessary edifices such as the new hospital. The state will build over its own Park Lands in fact in a bid to attract attention.

RM: This is tragic for the state. What solution would you see that could remedy the problem?

Maryke: Good question. The State really needs to confront its true origins and make peace with itself and then it may be taken seriously by the rest of Australia. The Letters Patent 1836 is evidence that South Australia stole the very land it settled upon. The State has never publicly accepted its origins and so really the cycle of self denial will continue until there is some form of truth and reconciliation commission.

RM: Can the other states help with the healing process?

Maryke: Yes, in my view Melbourne could stop tormenting South Australia and as a gesture return the Grand Prix event. Adelaide replaced the event with another event called the Clipsal 500 and yet what is really needed to restore face to South Australians is the international motor racing event that was taken from them.


RM: And what could the Premier and people of South Australia do to assist the healing?

Maryke: Really, South Australia and Adelaide could embrace their smallness and the quaintness of Adelaide..that would be more appealing than the grandstanding which only serves to exacerbate the condition. The attempt to locate the worlds biggest Nuclear Waste depot, for example, is symptomatic of a state still trying to punch well beyond its weight in a manner which is potentially harmful and obviously costly to a state that cannot afford to continue this path of self destructive behaviour.

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RM: Many thanks for your time and analysis of the Grand Final result.

The Bureau of Probable Statistics (BPS) is a self styled think tank which analyses and reports social and economic phenomena impacting upon Australia. It has no affiliation with the Australian Bureau of Statistics.

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